Making a case for alone time
I know what you're thinking, and no, this isn't about bubble baths, lit candles and other self care tactics. Although, it could be...
Lately I feel like introverts are everywhere talking about tips and tricks for being an introvert in today's world. Given that most of my close friends are more introverted, I totally support that....AND where my extroverts at??
There’s lots of talk about how introversion/extroversion is a scale, not binary. Well, I’m here to show you what someone looks like who is 100% on the extrovert side. Just ask my brother — since I could walk, I basically followed him around our house begging him to talk, play, or even just sit with me while I read.
This has played out through my entire life: I was always the last to fall asleep at sleepovers because I had too much energy from being around my friends. I was the creep sitting there watching my friends’ eyes until they opened in the mornings — one time I got in trouble because I legitimately tried opening my friend’s eyes to wake her up (wow, I’m realizing now what a weird child I was). In college, I would sleep in my roommate’s (/best friend’s) bed with her and her 2 massive dogs just because I didn’t want to stop talking until I fell asleep. One of my roommates in SF and I had walkie talkies so we could talk from our bedrooms after we laid down. On group trips, I wake up before everyone so that I don’t miss any “people time”. My roommates could always tell when I had a WFH (work from home) day, as I had seen 0 people and could NOT shut up when they got home. And, on a smaller day-to-day scale, if I’m ever alone and feeling low energy, I take a walk to my corner store and talk to the cashier for a minute...a “hit” of people energy, if you will.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved this part of me my entire life. I knew it was one of my superpowers. When it became a “problem” is when I realized I couldn’t function alone. I had left my job, was working on starting my business solo, and going through a breakup. With a bit of newfound alone time, I was losing my mind.
At my first ever therapy appointment I said, “I hate alone time, I'm basically only alone when I'm sleeping.".
This catapulted me into years of work around alone time. I realized I was missing out on activities simply because I was waiting for someone to do them with me. Sometimes, I would have panic attacks after a full day alone. Essentially, I was constantly operating out of fear of being alone. I was exhausted.
Fast forward to today: I live alone, work alone, surf/bike/run alone (sometimes), sit in cafes alone — and I’m doing just fine.
So, what helped me shift?
Journaling. This is a practice I had already adopted that acted as a lynchpin in this shift. Journaling was a time I slowed down, actually listened to the thoughts in my head and processed them. Now, I get to do this at many points throughout each day.
Mindset. I decided I could stop thinking alone time was happening to me and realize it was my choice. Working alone? You CHOSE to leave your tech career for this. Evenings alone: you CHOSE to not date those humans who were simply placeholders. Realizing I had choice in this has been life changing.
Cleaning up my thoughts. Why do you think I never wanted to ever be alone? My thoughts weren’t the nicest. I started focusing on what I’m grateful for vs. what I am missing. Now I loooove my tiny brain and her thoughts.
Asking “are you feeling lonely or are you just alone?”. This question continues to work for me, as I realize I’m very rarely lonely. I feel my community around me at all times, even as I type this alone in my apartment.
I am forever grateful for the gifts this shift have given me. What I didn’t know is that I would get SUPER clear on my values, boundaries, dreams, and desires. Read: I would not be living in LA doing work that I genuinely feel LUCKY for each day if I didn’t go through this period.
I call the process I went through to figure out what I really wanted and who got to be a part of that, the “Life Elimination Diet”. More on this next week...
Peace + laughs,
CC
